Much as I love Horror Bingo—and I do—sorry, folks, it’s November now, and I’m rapidly running out of steam. Which means we’re bundling the last 5 reviews into 1, followed by our Great Horror Bingo 2023 Wrap-Up.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
The Blackening
Year: 2023
Director: Tim Story
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Amazon (rental)
Spoilers: Not really
Grade: Chocolate
Finally! Considering Mekaela and I both put The Blackening on our lists, I kinda thought we’d pull this one sooner. It matters not; what matters is that we did finally pull the movie, and it was excellent: fun setup, great dialogue, hilarious cast. Dewayne Perkins is probably my absolute favorite of the bunch, but I really like everyone else, too: Grace Byers, Melvin Gregg, X Mayo, Antoinette Robertson, Jermaine Fowler, and Sinqua Walls. (Man, I haven’t seen Sinqua Walls since Teen Wolf. I have not forgotten you, Boyd!) Every character gets something fun to do, which is great; people often get left behind in ensemble movies, but The Blackening does a really good job balancing its entire cast. You’re rooting for pretty much everyone to make it, too, which I think is great—I will die on the hill that likable characters are very effective in horror, although admittedly, this isn’t a particularly contested opinion in horror comedy.
The Blackening definitely gets into stuff about Black culture that I’m not even gonna attempt to weigh in on or otherwise analyze because—pretty obviously—I’m not the right person to do so. But I really don’t have a lot of criticisms here. Like, sure, there’s a twist that’s pretty easy to call, but that never interfered with my enjoyment of the film. Anyway, what’s not to like? A cabin in the woods, a group of friends, a board game (admittedly, a horrifyingly racist board game), murder, a fun soundtrack (I had to look up “See Me” by RoRo immediately), some badass ladies, and a ton of cheeky meta humor? I mean, I’m there.
Tenebrae
Year: 1982
Director: Dario Argento
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Shudder
Spoilers: Yes, but the first paragraph is spoiler free!
Grade: Chocolate
I enjoyed this one, as I’ve enjoyed most of the Dario Argento films I’ve seen so far. (Except Phenomena. Sorry, folks. I couldn’t with Phenomena.) Very visually striking, good OST, some memorable kills, pretty solid mystery, and occasionally unintentionally funny. (For instance, when a lady lounges around with a towel wrapped around one boob—a totally normal way to stand.) This story has a very clear moral, too: don’t fuck with dogs because they will absolutely fuck you right back. Also, I enjoy the basic setup: an author travels to Italy to promote his latest book, only for BLOODY MURDERS to begin—murders potentially inspired by this new novel. (Heh, I’ve seen this plot in at least two different procedurals, minus the trip to Italy.) Not that Peter (Anthony Franciosa) ever seems overly concerned about the murders, the dick. Peter is not my favorite. My actual favorites, to my very great surprise, are the two cops: Detective Germani (Giuliano Gemma) and Detective Altieri (Carola Stagnaro).
So, it’s a shame that both cops die like nearly everyone else in this film—except Anne (Daria Nicolodi), who survives by sheer dumbass luck. This isn’t an actual criticism, BTW; that shot of Peter standing just behind Germani is pretty great. For yes, it turns out that Peter is the ultimate Big Bad all along—which yeah, we called because that whole ‘oh, I conveniently got knocked out by a rock’ was suspicious as hell, and that was before the Sherlock Holmes bit. (Which you gotta think Sir ACD is just crying in his grave sometimes, all, “You know, I wrote so many other Sherlock stories. Can you please quote something besides the whole ‘eliminate the impossible’ bit. I’m so over it.”)
Peter being the Big Bad is pretty great, actually, because it makes some of his seemingly dumbass choices (not to mention, his total apathy for the victims) make much more sense in retrospect. I’m not 100% sure we need this whole ‘I killed a hot girl who humiliated me’ backstory—on one hand, it definitely adds to the mystery; on the other, I kind of like Peter just being a cold-blooded opportunist—but I also don’t mind it. Probably my biggest critique of Tenebrae is—not shockingly—most of the female characters, particularly Jane, who just . . . really doesn’t work for me. Still, all in all, I had a good time watching this one.
The Faculty
Year: 1998
Director: Robert Rodriguez
First Watch or Rewatch: Rewatch
Streaming Service: Paramount
Spoilers: Yep
Grade: Vanilla covered in nostalgia hot fudge with an unfortunate spoonful of pistachio
Oh, man, I actually remember watching this one in theater when I was, oh, 12 or 13? The Faculty is such a quintessential 90’s movie: directed by Robert Rodriguez, written by Kevin Williamson, and starring Josh Hartnett, Elijah Wood, Clea DuVall, Jordana Brewster, Laura Harris, Shawn Hatosy, Usher, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick, Piper Laurie (RIP, Piper Laurie), Jon Stewart, Salma Hayek, Famke Janssen, Christopher McDonald . . . I mean, goddamn. The soundtrack is also extremely 90’s: The Offspring, Garbage, Soul Asylum, Creed, etc. I definitely owned this CD as a teenager.
Obviously, nostalgia plays a huge factor here, but I did have a good time rewatching this. The opening scene honestly isn’t half bad, the character intros are fun, and the whole movie is silly and entertaining and probably not a bad gateway into SF horror, like, you can start in the 90’s and work your way backwards: this, The Thing, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (70’s), Invasion of the Body Snatchers (50’s), etc. This is definitely Horror Lite, like, even the people who get decapitated come back to life. I think almost everyone does except Bebe Neuwirth’s character. (Poor Principal Drake. It’s not her fault the school board sucks.) And you gotta like a movie where the only way to prove you aren’t an alien is to get high on caffeine—although scat is simply the worst name for a drug that I’ve ever heard. For shame, Zeke. You can do better than this.
There are definitely some things that I’d change here. Like, man, just let Stokely be a lesbian, and FFS, what is up with this Breakfast Club makeover bullshit, like, no, fuck no, fuck off with that lavender shit. Also, Delilah/Casey only make sense if we get a post credits scene where Delilah dumps Casey’s ass after the world starts ignoring him again, like, seriously, what nerd boy fantasy is this? And the weird flirty maybe-relationship between Zeke and Miss Burke, his English teacher? Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. All that aside, though—and admittedly, that epilogue is a LOT—I still enjoy The Faculty. And AO3 is here for the fix-its! (I see Zeke/Casey is the main ship. Interesting. Well, I certainly buy that more than Casey and Delilah, honest to Christ.)
Barbarian
Year: 2022
Director: Zach Cregger
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: HBO Max
Spoilers: Yes, sorry, please go watch the film and come back
Grade: Vanilla with abstract chocolate syrup swirls
This was entertaining, although it’s been a while since I’ve spent a solid 40 minutes screaming, “Woman, what are you doing?” at the television screen. Like, people regularly make bad decisions in horror movies, that’s fine, but holy shit. I would not step foot into that Airbnb unless my car broke down and/or there was a literal fucking blizzard. You are 20 minutes from Detroit proper. No matter what convention is in town, you will find something less sketchy than an Airbnb with a dude already staying there. And then you take a shower? And then you drink the wine? And then you miraculously survive and COME BACK THE NEXT DAY? Tess. Tess. What the FUCK?
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest . . . yeah, I was definitely engaged while watching this one. I’m a bit meh on the ultimate story (IDK, the whole inbred baby/mother monster thing just isn’t quite my jam), which is why this is staying at a Vanilla grade, at least for now. But there are certainly creepy moments (OMG, the hair on that baby bottle, gah), and I found the unusual structure extremely interesting. The cast is good, too: Georgina Campbell is a solid lead, Bill Skarsgård is an excellent casting choice since you just expect that fucker to be evil (poor Keith, sorry Keith), and Justin Long appears to have entered his Scummy Villain phase, which he’s handling quite nicely. Watching this rapist fuck get murdered was the highlight of my evening. (If only those asshole cops got killed, too, instead of that nice homeless guy. Poor Andre. You deserved better, man.)
Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum
Year: 2018
Director: Jung Bum Shik
First Watch or Rewatch: First Watch
Streaming Service: Peacock
Spoilers: Nope
Grade: Vanilla with ripples of chocolate fudge
This was totally enjoyable, way better than I would’ve expected based on the trailer above. I don’t know if I have much to say about it, ultimately? Like, a group of people signing up with a YouTube channel to go explore a haunted asylum is a pretty basic setup, as far as these things go, and we don’t really ever uncover a big mystery, reveal some shocking twist, or develop our characters in any meaningful way to actually make the story itself stand out. Still, it’s a solid found footage film with a decent build and some nicely creepy moments, and I was pretty entertained overall.
Almost all of the characters are named after the actors who portray them, although they’re not really playing fictionalized versions of themselves, so it doesn’t quite hit the same way that Noroi: The Curse does. I’ve only seen a couple of these actors before: Moon Ye Won from Happiness and Wi Ha Joon from Squid Game. (Plus many other things post Squid Game, I know, but I haven’t checked out any of those dramas yet. Still, dude has been BUSY. I feel like every time I see a cast announcement, Wi Ha Joon is somewhere in it.) It’s a really solid cast: everyone does a good job here. I think the found footage camerawork is handled pretty well, too. If you enjoy this kind of horror, Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum is definitely worth checking out and made for a fine cap for our 2023 Horror Bingo Season.
And with Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum . . .
I WIN! I WIN! THE TROPHY—there is no actual trophy—IS MINE, ALL MINE!
(Seriously, though, will you look at that bullshit? Look how many times I came close to winning before I finally succeeded. I’m one away in, like, four different spots!)
As for the wrap up . . .
The main trend of the season was definitely found footage. I think we watched 4 in all, so . . . 1/4 of the movies total? (Total movies we watched, that is, not total movies nominated.)
Of the movies I’ve never seen before, I was (unsurprisingly) a fan of the horror comedies: Werewolves Within and The Blackening were easily my favorite films this year. Honorable Mentions go to Lake Mungo, Tenebrae, and Stage Fright, which were all pretty great for wildly different reasons.
As far as least favorite films go . . . I mean, it was Skinamarink, no contest.
Movies I’m Most Disappointed We Didn’t Get To: once again, The Abominable Dr. Phibes and The Night House were not picked. Have we found our new “always the bridesmaid, never the bride” movies of Horror Bingo? (Fun fact: if I had pulled The Night House instead of Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum, Mekaela and I would’ve tied!) I’m also a bit bummed we didn’t get to The Autopsy of Jane Doe. That one looks creepy and weird.
Movies I’m Most Likely to Add to Horror Bingo 2024, Assuming I Don’t Watch Them Before: well, I haven’t watched Five Nights at Freddy’s yet. (I’ve heard so-so things, but murderous animatronics, Josh Hutcherson, and Matthew Lilliard? I mean, I’m gonna check it out.) But honestly, other than all the movies I didn’t get to watch this year? I’m not quite sure yet. Will happily hear recommendations!
All in all, a lovely Horror Bingo season. Until next year!
